Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage - What Men Need

Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage

This is the second message in my "Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage" series. Follow this link if you missed the first message.

Last week, I talked about the importance of communicating our needs with our spouses and being honest with our feelings. For the next two posts, I'll be sharing what men and women need, according to the Bible and a survey I posted for my book: "You Can Have a Happy Family."

WHAT MEN NEED

Respect

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." —Proverbs 14:1

Our husbands need to know that we respect them and are proud of them. Ephesians 5:33 says that a husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and a wife must respect her husband.

My husband and I attended a Bible study on this verse years ago. I have heard women misinterpret this verse and become defensive and say, "Well, a man should respect his wife too." My husband and I learned through this study that men and women see things differently.

For instance, when I build my husband up, by letting him know how much I appreciate him for being our provider, I am showing him respect, which he views as me showing love toward him.

This is how our husbands want us to show them love, by respecting them. I, however, see my husband show me love in more physical ways, like going out of his way to romance me, helping me with the housework and kids, and listening to me. His acts of love show me that he respects me. We are both showing love and respect, but just in different ways.

One woman in my survey shared how she shows her husband respect, "I try to make sure he knows that I appreciate all that he does to take care of me, not just monetarily, but with the remodeling of our home and even car repairs."

Just a little "I appreciate all that you do" is what our husbands want. It will motivate them to be better husbands, better fathers, and better providers if they have us cheering them on through life.

Companionship

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun...."
—Ecclesiastes 9:9

My husband is my best friend. We have a lot of fun together and we miss each other when we are apart. I've learned, as with all friendships, to have a friend you have to be a friend. This especially applies to marriage. To be a good friend to our husbands we have to be considerate with their interests and not selfish with our own interests.

Warren Baldwin wrote a great post about men, and understanding their interests. He wrote:

"If a husband invites his wife to a ball game, a day hike or even a deer hunt, that is his way of saying, "I love you and want to be close to you." It may not have quite the romantic appeal to many wives that a movie and dinner out does, but realizing the husband's intent may help make the invitation a little more desirable (or at least bearable)."

I see too many married couples living separate lives, doing their own things. This only pulls couples further apart. I don't exactly enjoy watching football or hockey, but I enjoy spending time with my husband. We should enjoy being with our spouses, no matter what we do with them. I've found the more I spend time doing what my husband enjoys, the more he spends time with me doing things that I enjoy.

Sincere Love

"Dear Children, we must show love through actions that are sincere..."
1 John 3:18, GW

Love is a need we value most in our marriages. But as Romans 12:9 tells us, love must be sincere. Everything we do for our spouses has to come from a sincere heart of unconditional love.

My husband can tell when I am doing something for him out of obligation instead of love. I can tell as well, because I don't feel fulfilled; I feel resentful. But when I meet his needs out of sincere heart of love, I enjoy it and desire to do more things for him.

Love isn't based on feelings. True love is based on knowing God unconditionally loves us and He is able to supply our needs. God meeting our needs means that our satisfaction and expectations should be in Him alone, not in what our spouses do or don't do for us.

A woman struggling in her marriage said, "I need to work daily to release my husband from having to fulfill me where only God can."

When our spouses aren't meeting our needs, we can still find fulfillment in knowing God loves us and meets our needs (Phil. 4:9). This will help us love our spouses freely without demanding anything in return.

To Be Pursued

"The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
—1 Corinthians 7:4-5

Another need men shared was affection and intimacy with their wives. One man in my survey expressed, "I need my wife to still pursue me."

My husband expresses his love for me by being affectionate. Many times his complaint is that I'm always running around taking care of the kids that I don't stop and show him affection. I notice when I purposely show him affection, it draws him closer to me.

We should make an effort to spend time pursuing our husbands, being intimate, and showing we are still crazy about them. It will only draw us closer to them.

Understanding

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
--Proverbs 21:9

Another need men shared was for their wives to be more understanding, to not hold grudges, and not be quick to argue. Many arguments in marriages start simply because men and women perceive things differently.

I am still amazed how different my husband and I see things. We could be at the same place, at the same time, see the same thing happen, and yet see something completely different. Sometimes I'm dumbfounded to the point that I think one of us has to have lost our mind.

I can be positively sure I am right about something, and my husband's positively sure he's right. If we don't drop it, it almost always causes an argument and turns into a big brawl.

"Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels."
--2 Timothy 2:23

Reverence For The Lord

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
—Proverbs 31:30

The greatest thing we can do for our spouses is live in reverence to Christ. Women often view the Proverbs 31 wife as impossible to measure up to. Some see the focus as having to accomplish everything and be a perfect wife.

The kind of wife Proverbs is talking about is a wife whose total dependence is on God. Her whole being, her mind, her heart, her actions are aimed in one direction, God's. As a result, she is able to do it all. Not by her strength and might, but by God's power and strength. The proverbs 31 wife's heart is undivided toward God. That is the reason her household is blessed.

When I asked women in my survey what plays a major role in the success of their families, a majority attributed their success to putting God at the center of their families. One woman wrote, "Without having God in my life, my marriage would not have lasted this long. Without having the forgiveness and loving spirit that God has given me, I don't know if we would still be married."

We can't love our spouses and our families without God's help. Jesus said that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5). I've noticed in my marriage that my heart is on fire for my husband only when my heart is on fire for the Lord. When I neglect my relationship with the Lord, I start neglecting my relationship with my husband.

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."
--Proverbs 31:10-12

*Come back NEXT WEDNESDAY as this series continues with: "What Women Need"