Author Amanda Beth
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DEVELOPING LOVE IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/23/2011

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Developing fruit in our marriages, just like developing fruit of the Spirit, takes time. We become one flesh when we unite with our spouses, but growing in oneness in heart and mind takes time.

My husband and I didn’t know anything about this growing process when we got married. I’m sure after returning from our honeymoon my husband thought, “
What happened to my lovely bride?”

We were engaged after dating only six months and were married six months later. We originally planned on getting married the following year. But after a few stressful months of trying to plan a big wedding, we decided to cancel it and have a small wedding that year.  I often say God led us to get married sooner because He knew my husband would’ve left me after the first year because I was an emotional mess.


The first few years of our marriage were filled with strife. I wasn’t able to bear any fruit to help our marriage because I didn’t have a relationship with Christ.

Jesus said
, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me” (John 15:4).

We won’t be able to bear the fruit of
love in our marriages without Jesus first developing His love in us. We may be able to show acts of love but they will not be sincere if they are not coming from a pure heart.

I never understood why I couldn’t sincerely love my husband. I wanted to love him. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to have a good marriage. I wanted to show my husband love. But I didn't know I was trying to give him something I didn’t have.


We can’t love our spouses without first allowing Jesus to purify our hearts and then fill it with His love.

1 Peter 1:22 says,
“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.”

The only way to have sincere love for our spouses is to turn our hearts in obedience to God. Each step of obedience brings us closer to God who purifies our hearts. Each step of disobedience draws us further from God and into sin, which hardens our hearts.


Jesus said, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:29-31, ESV).


We can’t skip over the first command, loving God. It is a bridge to the second command, loving others. Many couples miss this first command. They try to love their spouses but don’t love God with all their hearts, souls, minds and strength. Therefore they are not being filled with God’s love. So they’re trying to give out of an empty vessel.


We have to surrender our heart to the Lord in order for Him to fill us with His love and keep us filled. The more I allow God to fill me, the more I’m able to love my husband unconditionally.


To love unconditionally means to love without expecting anything in return. You may think, “
How can I not expect anything from my spouse? I have needs too.”

The answer is simple: We need to put all our expectations, needs, and desires solely in God, and look to Him to fulfill ALL our needs. That way, if our spouses don’t meet our needs, we can still find fulfillment in knowing God loves us and meets our needs (Philippians 4:19).


When my husband doesn’t meet my needs, I pray and trust God to work in my husband’s heart to give him a desire to meet my needs. But if my husband doesn’t meet my needs right away, I can still feel satisfied knowing God cares about my needs. I can then focus on meeting my husband's needs freely without demanding anything in return.

This doesn’t mean it’s always easy for me to meet my husband’s needs. Some days it’s hard to love my husband unconditionally, especially when I’m feeling neglected by him.


When I have a need my husband isn’t meeting, I try to go out of my way and do something nice for him. This helps take my mind off me and lifts me out of self-pity and focus on loving him unconditionally.


"greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life (his own needs) for his friends (for others)."


-- John 15:13  (emphasis mine)

Jesus tells us to lay down our needs for others because He knows this is where we find fulfillment. When we lay our needs down, God picks them up. When I lay down my needs and trust God while focusing on my husband’s needs, I feel fulfilled. But if lay down my needs without looking to God to fulfill them, I feel used. So it’s important that we continually look to God to meet our needs while we’re trying to meet our spouses’ needs.


This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.


—John 15:12 NLT


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DEVELOPING JOY IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/23/2011

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God wants us to enjoy our marriages in abundance, to the full, till it overflows and impacts others. Satan wants us to be miserable, to the point of giving up, so he can destroy our marriages and use it to discourage others.

John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)” (AMP).

Having joy in abundance is not dependent on our outward circumstances. Joy is a choice, just as being miserable is a choice. We have a choice each day to enjoy our marriages or to be miserable in it.

I used to be a miserable wife. I was even miserable when there wasn’t anything to be depressed about. People would often come up to me and tell me to smile. I wore my unhappiness and everyone could see it.

I would try to be joyful, but I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know the choices I was making each day were causing my misery. As God started working in me, He began to show me what I was allowing the enemy to use to steal my joy.­­

There are many different things Satan tempts us with in order to steal our joy. If we learn to recognize these temptations we can stand against him and not allow him to succeed.

These are the five “D’s” Satan uses to depress us:


1. DISAPPOINTMENT

All the days of the desponding and afflicted are made evil [by anxious thoughts and forebodings], but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast [regardless of circumstances].

—Proverbs 15:15, AMP

There are going to be disappointments in our marriages. We are imperfect beings and we disappoint one another. However, we don’t have to dwell on disappointments and allow them to steal our joy.

Our thoughts control our emotions. If we are constantly disappointed, then we are dwelling on wrong thoughts. If we are constantly disappointed in our spouses, then we are dwelling on their faults. The Bible tells us to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2). We should be meditating on what the Bible says regarding our spouses and our marriages. We should be thinking what God can do in our marriages, not what we see in the natural.

We can choose to think positive even when our marriages are being tried and tested. We can choose to think positive even when our spouses are not acting the way we want them to. We can choose to think positive even when we have nothing positive going on around us. We can choose to think about God and His promises even when there isn’t any visible hope for our marriages.

When our thoughts and words line up with the Word of God, it brings us into a position for God to move on our behalf. When God moves on our behalf, He takes the impossible and makes it possible.

My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.    --Psalm 119:148



2. DESPAIR

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

—Romans 15:13

Are you placing your hope in your spouse? When we place our hope in someone we are depending on them to make us happy. If our hope is in our spouses, every time they treat us poorly we will fall into despair. But if we place our hope in God, looking to Him to make us happy, He will never disappoint us.

Depending on other people to make us happy will only set us up for despair. I know because I used to base my joy on how others treated me. Whenever someone let me down I was crushed and left in despair. Now that my hope is in God I am able to still enjoy my life even when others wrong me. I don’t have to put a burden on my husband or anyone else to make me happy. I can be happy because my hope is no longer in them, it’s in God.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

—Romans 5:5



3. DISCONTENTMENT

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.

—Philippians 4:1, NLT

Are you content with your spouse? Do you ever wonder if there’s someone better out there? A lot of couples compare their spouses to others, thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I admit I often compared my husband to others. God convicted me and showed me I was focusing only on the negative in my husband, but focusing only on the positive in others. When we focus on our spouses' faults it causes us to be discontent.

When we compare our spouses to others it opens the door to temptations in our marriages. It creates a false perception because there is no one out there who is perfect for us. Perfection is only found in and through Jesus. As we allow Him to, God takes the imperfections in our marriages and works them out.

We may not have a perfect spouse now, but we can look ahead to what God can change them to be.  We can look at our spouses as how God wants them to be.  We can focus on their good qualities because we know God will work out the wrong. This will keep us from losing our joy over every little thing they do wrong.

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me: your mercy, O LORD, endures for ever: forsake not the works of your own hands.

—Psalm 138:8, AKJV



4. DISSATISFACTION

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

—1 Thessalonians 5:18, NLT

I’ve learned the key to being satisfied, while waiting on God to work in my marriage, is to be filled with praise. Just getting up each day and praising God for a new day and a new beginning fills my heart with gratitude. Thanking God for the good work He’s done in my family fills my heart with gratitude.

If you spend your day thinking about all the things you’re thankful for, you’ll see your attitude change dramatically. Praise keeps you looking expectantly to God. Praise opens the door for God to pour out His blessings and His favor in your life. Praise lifts your spirit and helps you focus on the good in life, and to be thankful for what God’s given you. Praise helps you enjoy life regardless of circumstances.

…Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

—Ephesians 5:19-20



5. DISCOURAGEMENT

David was greatly distressed.… But David encouraged and strengthened himself in the Lord his God.

—1 Samuel 30:6

Do you often feel discouraged in your marriage? Do you feel like you’re the only one who is trying and fighting for it? David had no one to encourage him, but he didn’t let that keep him down. Instead, he chose to encourage himself in the Lord. He chose to focus on God who strengthened him not to give up.

Don’t give up. Focus on the good God wants to do in your marriage. Don’t let the enemy steal your joy. Rely on God to help you renew your mind each day with His Word. As you feed your mind with His Word, the Holy Spirit will remind you when you’re accepting wrong thoughts.

Cast down those wrong thoughts. Change your thinking to what God can do. Remain in Christ’s love and watch God fill you with His joy as He moves abundantly in your marriage.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

--John 15:9-11

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DEVELOPING PEACE IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/22/2011

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Peace is valuable in our marriages. We can’t have healthy marriages without it. My husband and I lacked peace for many years of our marriage. Now that we have found peace we treasure it. This doesn’t mean our lives are calm and carefree and we never lose our peace. We have four children and some days it’s hard to remain calm with all the commotion in our home. In fact, we both slipped as I was preparing this message. However, we realized we were losing our peace and quickly turned from it.

In the past, we wouldn’t have turned from it. We would’ve allowed it to steal our joy and pull our hearts away from each other. I praise God we can now recognize it and stop ourselves. And the reason we’re able to is because we have Jesus’ peace.

Jesus left us His peace so we would be able to remain calm in every situation. John 14:27 says, “Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled]” (AMP).

Just because we have Jesus’ peace doesn’t mean we automatically walk in peace. Jesus said to stop allowing ourselves to be agitated. When a situation arises we have a choice of giving in to our flesh or yielding to the Holy Spirit. The more we yield to the Spirit, the stronger Jesus’ peace becomes and the easier it is to walk in peace. The more we give in to our flesh, the stronger our flesh becomes and the harder it is to walk in peace.

For example, when my husband and I are in a disagreement, I have a choice of ending the argument by agreeing to disagree, or continuing the argument by insisting I am right. Every time I argue with my husband I am feeding my flesh and hindering the Holy Spirit from developing His fruit in me. Then when I’m caught off guard by a situation, I don’t have the fruit to prevent me from losing my temper. But if I continue yielding to the Spirit, I will be able to hold my peace even when I’m caught off guard.

The more we allow the Holy Spirit to develop peace in us, the more equipped we will be in trials. We need to be on guard and not allow ourselves to be unsettled even in minor situations.

If we want to enjoy our marriages we have to seek peace and pursue it. The Bible says in 1 Peter 3:8-11, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.”

We seek and pursue peace by striving to live in harmony with our spouses. We should be sympathetic with their weaknesses and compassionate with their struggles. We should bless them when they curse us, and pray for them when they mistreat us. As long as we are doing our part to live in harmony with our spouses, God will work out the rest.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

—Romans 12:18

Jesus walked in peace despite all He endured because His trust was in God and not man. He was able to love those who crucified Him because He knew they were not His real enemy, Satan was.

Our spouses are not our real enemies. Satan uses our weaknesses to provoke us to fight against each other. Galatians 5:15 says, “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”

Satan wants “us” to destroy our own marriages. It’s his purpose and plan for us. It’s the reason he deceives us into thinking our spouses are our enemies. He wants us fighting against each other. If we don’t want him to succeed we have to do everything possible to keep our peace.

I have to study peace in the Bible often. I sometimes write verses and post them around my house as reminders to keep my peace. In the past, I have even set a timer several times a day reminding me to stay in peace. I am determined to do what it takes to stay in peace and not give the enemy a foothold into my marriage.

We need to fight for our marriages and not allow the enemy to steal our peace.

In Matthew 8:24, Jesus gave us a perfect example to help us keep our peace: “Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.”

Many times when my husband and I are frustrated, I’ll stop and run into his arms. Stopping for a rest in the middle of a storm, like Jesus did, helps us calm down and keep our peace. Other times, just walking away and asking God to keep me from fighting back helps me keep my peace. Also, regularly asking God to search my heart and rid me of all bitterness, anger, and resentment keeps my heart at peace.

As we discipline ourselves we will see Jesus’ peace growing stronger in us. The stronger it becomes, the stronger impact we’ll have on families as they see we are unmoved by circumstances.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

— Hebrews 12:11

I encourage you to give your burdens to God instead of to your spouse. If we can’t carry our own burdens our spouses surely can’t. Strive to keep your peace and live in harmony with your spouse. But don’t beat yourself up when you fall. Continue relying on God to help you walk in peace. He will always be with you.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

—Philippians 4:9

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DEVELOPING PATIENCE IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/22/2011

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As a new believer I often felt discouraged in my walk with Christ. I wasn’t growing as quickly as I wanted. I wasn’t the godly woman/wife/mother I wanted to be. I wanted to walk in the fruit of the Spirit, but I would get discouraged every time I didn’t. I was impatient with God and myself. I wasn’t allowing God time to work in me.

I was the same with my husband’s growth as well. He’s always been a great husband, but often struggled with putting God first. I would get impatient and try to push him to draw closer to God. I’d try to push him to read the Bible. I’d try to push him to go to church with me. I’d try to push him to pray with me. I’d try to push him to study with me. I’d try to push him to lead me. All my pushing only discouraged him and pushed him further away.

God opened my eyes one day as I was pushing my husband to read the Bible. As I was telling him why he needed to read it, he replied: “Well, it doesn’t seem to be working for you.” That moment I realized I needed to allow God to work in me if I was ever going to motivate my husband to put God first.

I gradually stopped pushing my husband and started focusing on God. I started working on the areas He revealed were displeasing in me. Then, one day, my husband expressed how much he appreciated me, and thanked me for being a godly example. He thanked me for being strong when he wasn’t. He told me to keep staying strong because it was making him want to come up higher.

He saw the desire I had for Christ, and prayed for that same desire. That moment I realized I had the godly husband I’d been praying for all along. I was only looking at what he was and wasn’t doing. I wasn’t looking at his heart. His heart wanted to serve Christ. His heart wanted to grow with Christ. He wanted to be the godly man God created him to be. I just needed to be patient as God worked in him.

I can now be patient with my husband and trust God is working in him, just as He is working in me. I can encourage him to grow instead of pushing and discouraging him.

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even Christ did not please himself….

— Romans 15:1-3

I never need to worry about my husband’s growth. I can accept my husband right where he is at because Christ accepts me right where I am at.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

—Romans 15:7

I encourage you to do the same with your spouse. Be patient with their growth. Accept them right where they’re at. Even if your spouse doesn’t have a willing heart, continue praying for God to soften their heart.

Meanwhile, pray for God to help you focus on their positive attributes. And be thankful for their weaknesses because God is using those weaknesses to perfect something in you. Keep praising God that He is faithful to work in you and your spouse, bringing you to oneness.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

--Philippians 1:6, NLT


While you wait on God to draw your spouse’s heart to Him, continue moving forward with God. Follow whatever He teaches you. Lay down the things He shows you, even if you feel it’s pulling you further from your spouse. The more you allow God to work in you, the greater influence you will have on your spouse.

You may not see the results right away, but keep moving forward and you’ll see God use you to draw your spouse closer to Him. The Bible says that we are the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13). We are supposed to make the world thirsty for what they see in us. This is how we lead people to Jesus.

Make your spouse thirsty for what they see in you. Encourage them. Pray for them. Lovingly admonish them when they are falling into sin. But remember to always be patient with them. And be patient with God as He draws their heart, and yours, closer to Him.

And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

—1 Thessalonians 5:14


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DEVELOPING KINDNESS IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/22/2011

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True kindness only comes from a merciful heart. We know that God is kind to us because of His great mercy for us. In order to bear the fruit of kindness we also need to be merciful.

Luke 6:35-36 says, “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”


We will not be able to be merciful to our spouses if we are not receiving God’s mercy for ourselves
. If we are constantly thinking God is mad at us for everything we do wrong, we will not be merciful when our spouses does something wrong.

I didn’t have a merciful heart toward my husband when we were first married. He couldn’t do anything wrong without me harping on him. I frequently brought up his past mistakes, holding them over him, trying to make him pay for them. I didn’t know I was blinding myself from my own sins.

I didn’t view all sin as equal. In my mind, my husband’s mistakes were greater than mine. God eventually opened my eyes and revealed how great my sins were. Once my eyes were opened I had no excuse to judge my husband. The few things he did to me were nothing compared to the multitude of sins I committed (and continue to commit) against God.

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.


—Romans 2:1


If we measure ourselves to others, instead of to God’s Holiness, we will blind ourselves from our sins. We will then fall into pride and not be merciful to our spouses
.

I had to get my mind off my husband’s sins and start examining my own sins. I then had to receive God’s forgiveness for my sins and forgive myself before I felt mercy for my husband.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.


—Ephesians 4:32


We have to choose to forgive, and choose to be kind and compassionate before we feel mercy for our spouses
. Colossians 3:12-14 says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

We need to put these virtues on, which means we need to do them on purpose. We won’t feel them until we choose to do them. Each time we choose to be kind and to forgive, the fruit of kindness starts to develop in us and we begin to feel mercy for our spouses.

I recently read a sign that stated: “If you want to bear good fruit, clear out the weeds.”
Every time we choose to be merciful we clear out the weeds and purify our hearts. When our hearts are good, our fruit will be good, as Luke 6:45 explains: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”

I encourage you to be merciful to your spouse, and to yourself. Keep your heart pure. Don’t let the weeds choke the good fruit God wants to develop in your marriage
.

As you put on mercy and loving kindness you’ll see the weeds start clearing out of your heart and you’ll begin to feel mercy and love for your spouse.

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.


—1 Peter 1:22


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DEVELOPING GOODNESS IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/22/2011

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The original word for goodness in Galatians 5:22 is defined as: uprightness of heart and life. To develop the fruit of goodness in our marriages we have to live uprightly, inside and out.

Ephesians 5:8-10 explains how to live uprightly: “For once you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of Light [lead the lives of those native-born to the Light]. For the fruit (the effect, the product) of the Light or the Spirit [consists] in every form of kindly goodness, uprightness of heart, and trueness of life. And try to learn [in your experience] what is pleasing to the Lord [let your lives be constant proofs of what is most acceptable to Him]” (AMP).

As we walk in the light, pursuing to live a life pleasing to God, the fruit (the effect) will be uprightness of heart and life. When our hearts and minds are obedient to God, His goodness develops in us. We need to be obedient and walk uprightly, sharing God’s goodness with others, before we see it fully develop in us.

It’s easy to share God’s goodness with those we want to please. But it’s challenging to share His goodness with those we don’t think we need to please, such as our families. In the past, God often convicted me that I was treating others better than I was treating my husband. I’d drop everything to help someone else, but would complain when I had to help my husband. I’d go out of my way to meet others’ needs, but wouldn’t even think about my husband’s needs.

I’d be generous with my compliments and encouragements toward others, but only generous with my complaints and criticisms toward my husband. I’d be eager and willing to volunteer at church, but often complained if I had to make my husband’s lunch or iron his shirt to help him.

I felt God tell me one day, “You love me with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, now love your husband the same.” That humbled me, and I realized I didn’t love my husband the way I was supposed to.

We need to love our spouses with our minds, hearts, souls, and  strength.

First, to love our spouses with our minds means we have to change our thinking. I didn’t realize how much I complained in my mind about my husband until I started paying attention to my thoughts. I also didn’t realize I rarely thought about the good in him.

My mind was filled with praises for God, but wasn’t filled with praises for my husband. I wasn’t thankful for his good qualities. What made me feel worse was my husband often told me he thought about me throughout his day. He said he loved me so much that he’s always thought about me. I thought about him through my day, but not in the way he thought about me. I was thinking negatively towards him. He was thinking positively towards me.

As we start thinking about our spouses in positive ways, our hearts will change toward them. We will then be able to love them as God commands us to. Our desires for our spouses will grow and we’ll start desiring to do good things for them.


Second, to love our spouses with our hearts means we desire to meet their needs. Because my husband’s mind is always on me, God often brings my needs to his attention.

For example, I recently encountered some trials and was exhausted from my toddler getting up in the middle of the night. As I was lying in bed one morning, feeling down and wanting to stay in bed, my husband sent me a text that felt like a message from God. His uplifting message was just what I needed to lift me out of bed and start my day with a positive attitude.

I knew God nudged him to send that text message because it wasn’t something my husband normally said. When I asked him about it he said he was thinking about me and wanted to tell me he loved me. But when he began texting, that message suddenly came to his mind.

If my husband didn’t desire me in his mind and heart, I don’t believe he would have heard that message from God. If our hearts are filled with bitterness, we won’t be able to clearly hear from God. We won’t be able to love our spouses if our hearts and minds are not pure towards them.


Third, to love our spouses with our souls means we have to love our spouses as much as we do our own souls.

Luke 10:27 says, “…Love your neighbor as yourself.” And Luke 6:31 says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

These are commands from Jesus and we need to obey them. James 4:17 says, “Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.” God never commands us to do anything that is not for our own good. Ecclesiastes 3:12 says, “I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.”

We are happiest when we live uprightly and treat others the way we want to be treated. If we start treating our spouses the way we want to be treated, they’ll more likely treat us the same. And if they don’t treat us well, God will be our vindicator and work it out for our good. As long as we are doing our part, God will handle the rest.


Last, to love our spouses with all our strength means we have to expend the effort. It takes daily effort to think good thoughts, to do good things for our spouses, and to treat them like we want to be treated. But when our hearts, minds, and souls are filled first with Christ, and then our spouses, God will give us His strength to walk in goodness.

He will show us the good things we can do for our spouses. He will show us what our spouses need at just the right time. He will show us when we fall into negative thinking. He will show us when our hearts become bitter. And He will help us walk uprightly.

I want to encourage you to keep striving to live uprightly.Remember to always lean on God and pray for Him to help you. As you walk in obedience, He move abundantly in your marriage!

“Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good…”

—1 Peter 3:10-11

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DEVELOPING FAITHFULNESS IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/22/2011

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One of Strong’s definitions for faithfulness in Galatians 5:22 is: the character of one who can be relied on. Are you one your spouse can rely on? Or does your spouse never know what to expect from you?

My husband never knew what I’d be like each day. One day I was loving and caring, and the next day I was a raging lunatic. I was
completely unreliable. He could never count on me to be stable. I didn’t know how to be faithful because I didn’t have a good character.

We can’t develop the fruit of faithfulness unless we build a good character. And the way to build a good character is to walk in integrity.

Three definitions for INTEGRITY are:
  • the quality or state of being complete or undivided : completeness
  • firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility
  • an unimpaired condition : soundness

First, to develop faithfulness in our marriages, we have to keep our hearts undivided toward God and then our spouses.

In 2 Chronicles 19:9, Jehoshaphat instructed those he appointed as judges saying, "You must always act in the fear of the LORD, with faithfulness and an undivided heart.”

To be faithful in our marriages we first need to be faithful to God. In Ezekiel 6:9, God said, “… how I have been grieved by their adulterous hearts, which have turned away from me, and by their eyes, which have lusted after their idols.”

People often think of adultery as only the act of an extramarital affair. Adultery is breaking a covenant vow, breaking ourselves away from our union (oneness) with God (or our spouses). We break our union with God (or our spouses) when we turn our hearts away from them.

James 4:4 in the Amplified Bible explains, “You [are like] unfaithful wives [having illicit love affairs with the world and breaking your marriage vow to God]!”

To have an undivided heart for God means that He has our whole heart. It’s not shared with anyone or anything else. Nothing gets first place over Him.

In order to be faithful to our spouses, we can’t divide our hearts from them. Some couples divide their hearts from their spouses by putting their careers, their friends, their own interests, or even their children first. Other couples separate their hearts and unite them with others through physical affairs or mental affairs (lust/pornography).

Just as God grieves for us when we commit adultery against Him, our spouses grieve when we turn our hearts away from them.

…how I have been grieved by their adulterous hearts, which have turned away from me, and by their eyes, which have lusted after their idols….

—Ezekiel 6:9

God doesn’t give up on us, though. He calls our hearts back to union with Him as Jeremiah 3:14 explains, “Return, faithless people," declares the LORD, "for I am your husband….”

God can do the same for us if we have turned our hearts away from our spouses. God calls our hearts back to Him, and then He brings our hearts back to each other.

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

—Ezekiel 11:19



Second, to develop faithfulness in our marriages, we have to adhere to the Word of God and not to the world.

1 John 2:15 says, “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

The more we allow ourselves to be influenced by the world, the more we will take on its character. The more we allow ourselves to be influenced by God, the more we will take on His character.

Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

—James 1:21-22

If we want to have an incorruptible marriage, we have to listen to God and do what He says, regardless how we feel. For instance, James 1:27 tells us to keep ourselves from being polluted by the world. I have to be careful what I allow myself to watch, listen to, and read. I can’t watch the same kind of shows I used to watch, or read the books I used to read, or listen to music I used to listen to, without them filling my heart with junk.

What we feed our eyes, ears, and minds goes into our hearts, and then our hearts direct our actions. Matthew 15:19 says, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

The more junk we allow in our hearts, the more we hinder the Holy Spirit from developing His fruit in us. These negative things we allow in are like weeds that choke the fruit in our lives.

If we're going to have a fruitful marriage and walk in integrity, we have to follow God’s ways and not the world’s.


Last, to develop faithfulness in our marriages, we have to maintain a sound mind.

John 14:27 says to stop allowing ourselves to be agitated and disturbed. It says not to permit ourselves to be fearful, intimidated, cowardly, and unsettled (AMP).

I used to get agitated by every little disagreement my husband and I had. I never wanted to fight with my husband but I couldn’t understand why he seemed to always disagree with me. I didn’t understand why we saw things so differently. I just wanted him to understand me, and I would get frustrated when he wouldn't.

God helped me by teaching me that my husband and I are created differently, so we see things differently.
We see things from different perspectives. 

God tells us to believe the best of every person (1 Corinthians 13:7, AMP). There are many times when I’m on fire and ready to explode at my husband and I have to walk away and say a prayer for God to help me keep my mouth shut. When I calm down, I begin to see how stupid the argument was and that my accusations and assumptions may have been wrong.

Many times we argue with each other over what we believe the others intentions and thoughts are. How do we really know what the other person is thinking? We can avoid many arguments by listening to God and believing the best in our spouses. We'll enjoy our differences when we stop allowing ourselves to be agitated and disturbed.

A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones.

—Proverbs 14:30, AMP


I encourage you to be faithful in your relationship with God, and be faithful in your relationship with your spouse. Jesus said, “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities” (Luke 16:10, NLT).

If we want God’s best for our marriages, we have to be faithful and do what God tells us to do. God is faithful to us, and we need to be faithful to our spouses. God never changes. He is always consistent. Our spouses need to see that we are consistent. No matter what they do, no matter their failures, mistakes, or down times, they need to know we are faithful and love them unconditionally. They need to be able to count on us to help them rise up when they fall, carry them when they’re weak, and support them as they grow.

As we stay faithful, and strive to walk in integrity, we’ll see an abundance of fruit develop in our lives, and our marriages.


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DEVELOPING GENTLENESS IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/22/2011

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The King James Version for gentleness in Galatians 5:23 is translated as “meekness.” People often view meekness as weak-willed, one who can be easily manipulated. Yet true meekness isn’t weak at all. True meekness is power under control.

God is our example of true meekness. He has the authority to punish us for our sins. Yet He chooses to forgive us. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve (Psalm 103:10). Instead, He lovingly trains and leads us into Holiness. He isn’t impatient with our weaknesses. Rather, He’s compassionate and merciful, slow to anger and filled with unfailing love (Psalm 103:8, NLT).

How do we develop God’s meekness in our marriages? Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:29, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Jesus displayed God’s meekness by the power of the Holy Spirit. Because we also have the power of the Holy Spirit we can walk in meekness. We learn how to walk in His meekness by spending time with Him, studying and following His example. The more time we spend learning from Jesus, the more we will develop His meekness.

When I first started following Christ I tried to walk as He did but failed miserably. My failures often discouraged me and weakened me more. I didn’t know I had the power of the Holy Spirit to help me walk in the fruit of the Spirit. I was trying to follow Jesus’ example on my own strength instead of relying on Him.

We can’t acquire meekness on our own. It’s not our strength that makes us meek. It is God who makes us meek
. I could study a hundred ways to walk in gentleness in my marriage, and that would help me, but it wouldn’t make me meek.

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.


—Psalm 18:32


As we draw near to God, He gives us the strength to walk in meekness. Then, as we use His strength and walk in meekness, it begins to develop in us. When we fall we don’t need to be discouraged and beat ourselves down. Rather, we need to draw closer to God and continue walking in meekness, as we patiently wait for it to develop.

Our spiritual walk is like a baby learning to walk. When my children were learning to walk, I didn’t yell at them when they fell. I just lifted them up and encouraged them to keep trying. If they would have sat down and refused to take another step, they wouldn’t have learned how to walk.



My kids had to do the walking. I couldn’t do that part for them. But I could lift them up each time they fell, which renewed their strength to take another step. I could also praise and encourage them, which made them excited to take another step. It was exciting for me as well watching them progress and walk more consistently.

God works with us the same way. He gives us the strength but we need to do the walking. He encourages us and lifts us up when we fall, but we need to not give up. Just like I was with my children, God is excited when we progress. If God’s excited with each step we take, we should be excited as well. We can also be patient with ourselves because just like a baby, we don’t learn to walk without falling.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholds him with his hand.


—Psalm 37:24, AKJV


I want to encourage you to draw near to God. Spend time daily learning from Jesus. He wants to teach you. He loves you dearly. He longs to develop His fruit in you so you can enjoy a fruitful marriage. Be excited each day as you try to take another step with Him. When you fall, receive His strength and enjoy learning to walk in Him
.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.


—Philippians 2:13, NLT

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DEVELOPING SELF-CONTROL IN OUR MARRIAGES

8/3/2011

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This series started with love and ends with self-control. I once heard a preacher say that love and self-control are like bookends that hold all the other fruit in place. Love gives us the sincerity to walk in the fruit. And self-control enables us to walk in the fruit. Without love and self-control it’s impossible for the other fruit to develop.

2 Timothy 1:7 says that God has given us a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline.  How do we use God’s power to walk in self-control in our marriages?  When a situation arises we have two choices: We can follow our feelings (our flesh). Or we can follow the Holy Spirit.

Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

—Galatians 5:25

God has given us His Spirit to warn us and lead us out of temptations. God never leaves us to struggle in our temptations. He always provides a way out (1 Corinthians 10:13). When a situation arises we need to be alert and look for God’s way out and take it.

Most altercations in our marriages don’t start out of nothing. A fire doesn’t start without a spark. The spark is the little things we do that lead up to the altercations. We need to be alert in the little things and take God’s way out to prevent us from starting a fire.

The altercations I have with my husband usually start with a thought. For example, if we are getting ready to go somewhere and he’s taking his time, doing his own thing, and I’m left to get our kids ready, I can easily fall into negative thinking. If I allow myself to complain in my mind I will start to get an attitude. Then, once I have an attitude, I will start making rude remarks, which sparks his attitude. The fuel from our attitudes then ignites the fire which spreads into a raging quarrel.

Whenever we are in a quarrel, I can always look back and recognize the opportunities to take God’s way out and prevent it.

In my example, I could stop it from the start by casting down the negative thoughts. Instead of thinking he never helps me, I could kindly ask for his help. A lot of times our spouses will respond to our needs if we are kind with our requests.

If I don’t stop it at the thought, I could stop myself from throwing out rude remarks. Instead, I could speak positive words, which would help change my attitude and change my thinking.

If I didn’t stop the negative thoughts or rude remarks, I could still stop the fight by humbling myself and apologizing. A sincere apology is a great fire extinguisher. Many times, it puts out the fire instantly.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

—Proverbs 29:11

It’s not wrong to feel anger toward our spouses. It’s wrong when we hold on to our anger and lash out at our spouses. Instead, we need to use self-control and give the offenses over to God. When we hold on to anger it builds up and eventually makes its way out. But when we give the offenses to God it keeps our hearts free from bitterness and keeps our emotions under control.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

—1 Peter 5:6-10

God gives us self-control to stand against Satan’s attacks. Satan will try anything to tempt us to sin because he knows sin blinds us. The more we give in to our flesh the more we blind ourselves from his deception.

Satan wants us blind so he can slither his way in and work to destroy our marriages. First Thessalonians 5:6 says, “So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled.” As we humble ourselves to God, we stay alert so we can use self-control and not give into temptations. The more we walk in self-control the stronger we’ll be to stand against Satan’s attacks.

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.

—Proverbs 25:28

We don’t lack anything in Christ. God has given us everything we need in life. The walls of our marriages will be strong to stand against the enemy’s attacks when we use what God’s given us. We need to do our part and fight for our marriages and not let the enemy defeat us. When we do our part God will take care of the rest.

Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.

1 Corinthians 9:25, NASB 

Thank you for following this series! I pray these posts encouraged you to draw closer to Jesus. Apart from Him we can do nothing. But in Him we can do all things. He is truly the only way to develop the fruit we need to enjoy an abundant marriage.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

—Psalm 1:1-3



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    Develop The Fruit Of The Spirit In Your Marriage (Galatians 5:22-23)

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